Happy Chinese New Year!

Happy Chinese New Year guys! For my family, the reunion dinner has always been the main gathering meal, even though the celebrations technically last 10 days (perhaps we're just trying to extend all the fun). 

(It's a gif, be patient!)

One of my favourite things about Chinese New Year, is eating Yee Sang Salad and partaking in 'Lo Hei', where you toss the salad together, make a ruckus, bring in good luck and pray for prosperity. It's tradition, it's a fun one, and it's ours.

Here's a little peek into how I spent my night last night, and may the year of a goat be a wonderful one for all of you!

Empty Spaces - Blackie

Disclaimer: This post has nothing to do with food. Sorry.

Hey Blackie,

Gorgeous old boy. How are you? 

Do you remember? It was two years and a week ago. 

I was scurrying around the house, grabbing all my stuff to head off for a midnight flight to Malaysia, where I would be popping around the continent on a gazillion flights to attend different conventions for two weeks. 

You watched me quietly, next to the stairs, with your beautiful brown eyes. 

In my rush, I popped out the door with hardly a wave to you. You were only 12, you were a bit slow, a touch overweight, but still healthy. I would see you in two weeks anyway, it's not that long. 

I distinctly remember thinking that last sentence as I stepped out the door. 

It's not that long.

Oh but how little the two of us could have known, or maybe you knew, but in my selfishness I couldn't think to imagine it. 

That just the days following mum would send me pictures of you lying in the grass in pain, with worrying messages about you. You weren't eating, you weren't walking, you weren't being you.

A few days after that, while I was at a weekend long networking conference, on Saturday, just as I was having breakfast (Bun Bo Hue to be exact), I heard the news you would be going into surgery for something stuck in your gut. Holding it together as I knew you went under was so difficult. I had to escape to the toilet to let the tears sneak out and try to put you out of my mind for the rest of the day. 

My heart was uplifted when mum told me the surgery had gone well, and that you were looking lively, but had to stay at the vet. That you actually walked out of your cage when you saw mum, and that you were being your usual gluttonous self. I breathed a sigh of relief. 

But that was not long lived. You tried hard boy didn't you? But the infection had gotten the best of you. Mum sent me sad news that you weren't moving, and just sighing. Sighing. You were tired old boy, weren't you?

And so, two years ago, on a Tuesday morning, the 20th of September 2011, I got the news you were put down. 

I was in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. In the service apartment that belonged to a friend that we would borrow when we were in town. 

I was alone. 

I have never cried so much in my life Blackie. I had never had my heart hurt so much before. I blasted 'Goodbye' by the Spice Girls on repeat and bawled like a baby for 8 hours straight. I was lucky I had no meetings that day, could you imagine if I did old boy? When I thought the tears had run out, they came flooding out again. I couldn't fathom not seeing you again, not seeing your smiling face and sloppy kisses when I got home. 

How could I not have been there? 

I was distraught I wasn't there the next day to see your body in person, touch your fur one more time. The closest I got was through my phone in the pictures that Tim sent me when he and mum went to see you. Your eyes were closed, peaceful looking. Were you already chasing endless tennis balls and gnawing on bones somewhere happier? 

I'm not sure how I held it together the week after that. Maybe I just tried not to talk about it, as the second I did my voice would quiver and my resolve to not cry would threaten to snap in half. I kept the emptiness in my heart to myself and tried not to think of you.

I arrived home on the 28th of September. Or could it be called that without you there? 

I can't forget returning home.

Fortunately Brad had picked me up, as I may have collapsed in a sobbing heap in front of my house without him there to hold me. I could already feel my chest tighten, thud, hurt as I approached the front door. The lump in my throat got bigger as I tried to hold back the tears. I had never felt such emptiness. This hole in my heart. I was so scared. So scared to see this house without you in it. I didn't want to open the door and not see you there. That would be admitting the reality of it all. The thought of it was so unbearable. 

I stood crying in Brad's arms when I did eventually. I can't put into words what it was like to swing that door open and not call out to you and see you wagging your bushy tail. It was as if everything went black.

And again as I passed the laundry, where you would usually sleep. Where I would normally see you first thing in the morning, with your gorgeous brown eyes or possibly still sleeping, snoring quietly. I was shaking. I couldn't stop.

My home was so empty. So empty without your presence. 

So many empty spaces.

I couldn't look anywhere around the house without thinking of you. I remember you curling up under the kitchen table in summer. Snuggling up next to the couch and our feet to be close to use during tv time. Sighing and plopping yourself down next to me in the games room. Ever hopeful in the kitchen, acting as a living vacuum and chasing every crumb that hit the floor.

I'm still in disbelief that you even ate orange peels once.

13 years of bringing joy, cuddles, kisses and kindness (along with a few destroyed toys) into our lives and I couldn't even say goodbye to you. The one who grew up with me, as I went through terrible haircuts, bad boyfriends and stupid life choices. You were always a constant. I'm so sorry boy. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I'm still burdening you with my feelings. With the guilt I have for not even giving you a proper rub around the ears before I left you for the last time. There have already been so many tears while writing this. I'm okay through the year old boy, but September rolls around and the heartache returns. The feelings are still so vivid it's frightening. 

It's not all bad though. You must have seen the new addition to the house from wherever you are now. He's a bit smaller than you, but has the same curly fur, except that he doesn't shed. Bit more of a brat than you ever were though. Although he brings me smiles and laughter everyday and I am glad he's in my life, he can't replace you. He can't completely fill the void in my heart that  you had occupied for those 13 years.

And I guess that's a good thing.

I hope you're enjoying yourself wherever you are though. That your aches have been healed, and your youth restored so that you can bound after your beloved tennis balls for eternity. I'm sure there's plenty of grass for you to roll around in after you finish your walks too, and laps for you to climb in that you're probably too big for, not that you cared.

And lots of food for you to eat, you big ol' glut.

I still miss you. 

Love

Ashley

Two Years. A bunch of haircuts. Lots of Love.

I've been having a terribly slack week. Behind in both reading other people's blogs (sorry for late comments!) and writing my own. This is due to a few things, which at the end of the day all constitute life anyway, but there were a few specific things this time.

Work.

Duh.

And Brad and I celebrating our two year anniversary!

So....I'm excused right?

Whilst I won't be reviewing anything in this post, as I do enjoy going over my old posts and not so much reading my old reviews, but recollecting memories, I thought I might just do a little mushy post for me. So tune out now if you want to escape!

It's always surprising when we get to this time of year (which, slightly conveniently, is always around Easter weekend), to think that it's been another year since we decided to, put it in an old fashioned manner, go steady.

Brad and I actually met online, and it's always funny to think that we probably would have never met if the internet didn't exist. If not for the internet, we would not have gone to watch "Good Hair", nommed on galettes at Roule Galette, have a jug of gin and tonic at New Guernica and decided to go 'official', 2 years ago. And although the time has flown by, in the time that I have come to know and love Brad, I have never cared for anyone as much as I do for him.

You know how they say opposites attract? Whilst we are not exact opposites, I am a bit silly, airy, playful, with my head always in the sky, Brad is steady and keeps me grounded. Although he'd have much more peaceful mornings if I didn't keep squawking away in the morning and trying to start tickle fights.

On Thursday night, our actual anniversary night, we kept it simple. He showed up at my door with a bunch of beautiful roses, a slight pinkish red.

We exchanged gifts. He got me two incredibly nerdy board/card games. Thunderstone and Cosmic Encounter. I positively couldn't be more chuffed, squealing happily when I unwrapped them. I haven't played either game in ages, as my friend who I used to play with moved to London...along with his games. I am so excited to now own them myself and have already put them to use playing with Brad and teaching other friends how to play!

I bought him a gorgeous winter coat, that fit him handsomely, and gave him a little....'card' I made.

Yes, I actually went through that many hairstyles in one year.

I proceeded to make dinner. Me. Cook. Really?

Prosciutto, figs, honey and jamon to start. And a bit of manchego cheese on crackers which I didn't take pictures of.

A giant bowl each of prawn, zucchini and pesto gluten free spaghetti. Pesto compliments of mum. Giant bowls. I think my bowl was double my usual serve. We vegged out in front of the tv with our food and flutes of champagne, while I drooled over the food porn that is the show: How to Cook Like Heston. Followed by chocolate ice-cream.

Friday morning was spent at home, the family made nasi lemak with goat curry for lunch.

We then moved into The Cullen in Prahran for the night, to spoil ourselves and have a tiny getaway from reality.

I really loved the art in our room. So interesting. Cullen really likes donkeys huh? The beds were like clouds as well. So much soft!

We had dinner in Chez Olivier, an old favourite of mine, which I had not visited for a long time, which I will go through in more detail in a different post, although for a quick summary...it's still as good as it was a few years ago.

We talked of the past, what the future might hold and how full we were getting the whole night.

I got a little drunk on our bottle of wine and stumbled back through the icy winds to our hotel where we watched Mythbusters and I tried to get Brad to take pictures with me...

Um. :|

Better! <3

The next day we got breakfast at Morris & Jones and went to watch The Lorax in the Jam Factory. I loved Dr. Suess when I was little and The Lorax was one of my favourite books. The Lorax was a pretty cute film, which I think they did a decent job of interpreting and definetly a film I feel kids need to watch. One kid in the cinema was heard saying during the film: 'That's the saddest story I ever heard.....'.

So precious. I nearly did cry at the end personally.

It was then back home to homemade fish and chips with the family, before we ran off to Hobba the next morning for breakfast.

So much food!

So I've pretty much had the perfect weekend. I'm so lucky to have someone in my life who I love to bits and who reciprocates my love wholly.

Here's to another year of food, love, you and me.

<3